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February 2005
Superbowl time

Q: How many Vikings does it take to win a Superbowl?
A: No one knows, and we may never find out!

A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.
The man replied, "No."
Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"
The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."
"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

June -
US Masters



October -
Nuns

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushesand grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"And Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said,

"You missed the f$#&ing putt, didn't you?

November
2005 Nedbank Golf challenge

One Saturday morning, I got up early, put on my thermal underwear and dressed very quietly. I made my lunch, grabbed my golf clubs from the spare room, went to the garage, put my golf clubs in the boot, and drove out the driveway.

Driving out of the garage, rain was pouring down like a torrential storm. There was hail mixed with rain and the wind was blowing at 70 kmh. Minutes later, I returned to the garage, went back into the house and turned on the TV onto the weather channel. I discovered that its going to be bad weather all day long. I took the clubs out of the boot, returned them to the spare room and quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up behind my wife's back, now with a different type of activity on my mind, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible".

To which she sleepily replied, :I know ... can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in this crap weather?".

2004/5 Champions cup in Istanbul
Liverpool were 3-0 down at half time then went on to score 3 goals in 8 minutes at the beginning of the 2nd half. The game went to extra time whereafter Liverpool then beat AC Milan on penalties. Liverpool fans aren't great admirers of Manchester United.

2006 World cup finals
Letter to wife

May
Soccer World cup 2006

Extremely important advice and recommendations to my loving wife on this special day, in the interests of harmony and peaceful co-existence
  1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

  2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

  3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won’t have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

  4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won’t happen.

  5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

  6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to trouble.

  7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch games and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me.

  8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

  9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
    • a) I will not go,
    • b) I will not go, and
    • c) I will not go.

  10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

  11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, etc etc.

Thank you for your cooperation

husband