How to
explain cricket (England Touring SA - so time for some cricket
funnies)
The rules of cricket explained No. 1:
The pie metaphor.
Right. So the guy from the other team is called
a "bowler" and he's trying to knock your pies down before you
can eat them. He throws with an overhand motion, releasing the
ball before he steps into the crease, usually bouncing the ball
on the ground to make it harder for the pie-eater to pick up.
To protect your pies, you have a bat, and when he throws the
ball, you swing the bat and try to swat the ball away. If you
hit it, you and the other pie-eater switch places and then you
can eat one of his pies.
The rules of cricket explained No.
2:
You
have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man
that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the
next man goes in until he is out. When they are all out,
the side that's been out comes in and the side that's been
in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes
you get men still in and not out.
"When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out,
and when he is out, he goes in and the next man in goes out
and goes in. There are two men called umpires who are out
all the time, and they decide when the men who are in are
out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been
out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men
have been in, including those who are not out, that is the
end of the game.
Rugby - after losses to
Ireland and England
A seven year old South African boy was at the centre of a courtroom
drama today when he challenged a Pretoria Supreme Court ruling
over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge
awarded custody to his sole aunt. The boy protested that his aunt
beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When
the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy
claimed that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to chose who should have
custody of him.
Custody was today granted to the Springboks Rugby team, as the
boy firmly believes they are not capable of beating anyone.
Herchelle:
A Biography
Author: Colin Bryden
Herschelle
Gibbs is a man who lives life to the full, both on
and off the cricket pitch, and has featured as much
on the front pages of South Africa's newspapers as
he has on the back.
It's
Not Cricket: Skullduggery, Sharp Practice and Downright
Cheating in the Noble Game
Author: Simon Rae
This
is a definitive history of the seedy underside of
cricket. From the 18th-century crowd violence to
the obsessive will to win of W.G. Grace, Simon Rae's
work takes a revelatory look at a game that was always
supposed to be the yardstick of all that was true,
honest, pure and of good repute.
In his
one-man show "An Evening with Blowers",
Henry takes his audience on a humorous journey from
his eccentric childhood in Norfolk to his schooldays
as a prolific batsman at Eton and his successful
career as an international cricket writer and broadcaster.
FOR SALE
One chariot, (low-swinging, sweet type), in urgent need of repair
(wheels have come off...again). One careless owner, details from
Clive, Tel.Twickenham 19-13.
FOR SALE
100,000 Grand Slam t-shirts, ties & scarves - unused (choice
of 1998/99, 1999/2000, 2000/2001 and 2003/2004 ) Contact : RFU,
Twickenham.
LOST (on
way to Twickenham) (i) Plan B (ii) Graciousness (iii)
Bottle.
Please contact : L. Dallaglio, C. Woodward.
::News::
MEN CHOKE IN
FRONT OF LARGE CROWD: 80,000 spectators watched
helplessly yesterday as 15 sportsmen choked in front
of them, apparently after being force-fed a large slice
of humble pie. A doctor attending the scene said that
the men had a medical history of this sort of thing:
apparently it also happened in Wembley in 1999, 2000
in Edinburgh and Lansdowne in 2001.
IN MEMORIAM Slam,
G : passed away, 7th Feb 2004. Sorely missed by Clive
and the boys.
*Ad paid for by staunch
Irish public relations officer Karl Brophy
Manchester United Helpline
Man U fans can now call a helpline
where they can receive councelling after all the losses
they have suffered this season. The number is 0800 10
10
Oct 2003 Dear Abby,
After
I retired, I could really spend some time enjoying my
favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little
fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but
she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait &Tackle Shop, I got to talking
to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much
as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife
doesn't care about fishing she not only refuses to join us she
always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago we had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did
I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes
later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture
of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the
picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead
she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore!!
And she wants me to sell the boat!
I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby
or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks, A fisherman
PS I have enclosed the picture of
Sam showing off the bass we caught.
September
2003
Johnny Wilkinson goes into the England
changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit
glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
" Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know
it's important but we've just beaten the All Blacks and Australia in consecutive
weeks and let's be honest it's only South Africa. They're really bad and we just
can't be bothered".
Johnny looks at them
and says "Well, the way I've been playing
recently, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down
the
pub."
So Johnny goes out to
play South Africa by himself and the rest of the England
team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get
the landlord to put the telly on. A big cheer goes up as the screen
reads
" England 7 - South Africa 0
Wilkinson - 10 minutes - Converted Try)".
He is beating South Africa all by himself ! Anyway, the telly goes
off and a few more pints later the game is forgotten until someone
remembers
" It must be full time now, let's see how Johnny got on".
They put the telly back on.
"Result
from the Stadium: England 7 (Wilkinson 10 minutes)
- South Africa 7 (Paulse 79 minutes)".
They can't believe it, Johnny has single handedly got a draw against
South Africa and maintained England's unbeaten run at home!!
T hey rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him
in
the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his
hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let
you down."
says Johnny.
" Don't be daft, you got a draw against South Africa, all by yourself.
And they only scored at the very very end!" says the rest of the team.
"No, No, I have" says
Wilkinson, "I've let you down... I got sent off
after 12 minutes
August 2003 It was a sunny Saturday morning
on the first hole of a busy golf course and I was beginning my
pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse
loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the women's
tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was so deep in
my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement,
"Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee kindly
back upto the men's tee.
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the
man yelled
" Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
I finally stopped, turned looked through the clubhouse window directly
at the person with the mike, cupped my hands and shouted back.......
" Would the A*** hole in the clubhouse kindly shut the ?|:#$ up and let
me play my second shot?"
July 2003 A
guy walks into a pub with a dachshund under his arm. The
dog is wearing a "Springbok" jersey and cap and
is festooned with little "Springbok" flags.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have
to leave!" The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both
big fans, the TV at home is broken, and this is the only place around
here where we can watch the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that
he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender
relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins with the "Bokke" receiving the kick-off.
They speed off down field and immediately score a penalty. With that
the dog jumps up on the bar, gets onto his hind legs and begins walking
up and down giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever
seen!
What does the dog do if they score a try?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for a year."
June 2003
James Allen - Not Quite
as interesting as Murray Walker is he? Here is a collection
of the Great Man's Murrayism's.
And now excuse me while I interrupt myself..."
" He's obviously gone in for a wheel
change. I say obviously because I can't see it."
" He is shedding buckets of adrenaline
in that car."
" It's raining and the track is wet."
" ...he can see him in his earphones..."
" ...and there's no damage to the
car... except to the car itself..."
" Alboreto into the pits and I'm
going to stop the startwatch."
" There is nothing wrong with the
car except that it is on fire."
" There is a man with a great Grand
Prix future behind him."
Murray: "And there
are flames coming from the back of Prost's car as he enters
the swimming pool." James Hunt: "Well, that should put
them out then."
Murray: "What's
that? There's a body on the track!" James Hunt: "I think that that is a
piece of bodywork from someone's car."
" Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's
Lotus sounding rough?"
" It's not quite a curve, it's a
straight actually."
" This is an interesting circuit
because it has inclines, and not just up, but down as well."
" Only a few more laps to go and
then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which
it is."
" Tambay's hopes, which were nil
before, are absolutely zero now."
" And he's lost both right front
tires."
" The Benetton handling superbly
as ever. Williams have worked very very hard on this car at
the beginning of the season."
" The atmosphere is so tense you
could cut it with a cricket stump."
" And we have had five races so far
this year, Brazil, Argentina, Imola, Schumacher and Monaco."
" And Schumacher overtakes Villeneuve...
oh, no he doesn't.... oh, yes he does!"
" And this is Ralf Schumacher, the
youngest driver in Formula 1 at only 21 years old, and of course
he is the son of twice world champion Michael!
May
2003 Two
Pretoria boys are playing touch rugby when one is attacked by a
Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the
nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists until
the dog chokes, lets go and runs off yelping.
A reporter from The Star hears about the incident and rushes over to
interview the boy. He starts writing in his notebook: "Bull
Fan Saves
Friend from Vicious Animal".
"But I'm not a Blue Bull fan," the little hero objects.
"Sorry, since we're in Pretoria I assumed you were," says the reporter,
and
starts again: "Lions Fan rescues Friend from Horrific Attack".
"I'm not a Lions fan either," the boy responds.
"What? I assumed everyone in Gauteng was either for the Blue Bulls or the
Lions.
What team do you support?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Natal Sharks fan," the boys says.
The reporter starts again: "Sadistic little Rooinek Swine Batters
Beloved Family Pet".
April
2003 Springbok rugby practice was delayed nearly
two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white
powdery substance on the practice
field.
Head coach Strauli immediately suspended practice while police were called
to investigate.
After a complete analysis, Scotland Yard forensic experts determined that
the white substance unknown to players was the try line.
Practice was resumed after special agents
decided the team was unlikely
to encounter the substance again.
After
I retired, I could really spend some time enjoying my
favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little
fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but
she just never liked fishing. 
just
can't be bothered".
"Result
from the Stadium: England 7 (Wilkinson 10 minutes)
- South Africa 7 (Paulse 79 minutes)".
A
guy walks into a pub with a dachshund under his arm. The
dog is wearing a "Springbok" jersey and cap and
is festooned with little "Springbok" flags. 
Two
Pretoria boys are playing touch rugby when one is attacked by a
Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the
nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists until
the dog chokes, lets go and runs off yelping.
April
2003